A Loser’s Guide to Hitting on Girls on Internet!

Warning:- Not to be taken seriously!

Note: Ignore the warning!
Ok so your cyber girlfriend turned out to be a guy and your heart is in pieces! It’s time to grow up, and find yourself a new ladylove! The best thing about flirting on the internet is that there is no eye-contact required and you need not be shy of the pustule growing on the tip of your nose because no one is watching you! (Except the cyber crime department of police but hey! you got to do what you got to do! Right?)

So here is the strategy! First in your notepad (because MS- Word is for real losers!) type out the following message-

“Hey! Just saw your profile! Wanna make fraansip? LOL! J/k I am not one of those losers! So, umm wanna be friends?”

The best thing about the above message is- its camouflaged! It’s loser-ish but not totally loser! It works 87% of the time according to the bored-statistician-department-of-statistics-survey-of-2011-losers in India and abroad!

Now, copy the message and go hunting random girls on Facebook and Orkut! Yes, I said orkut! Desperate times, desperate measures! Start with common names and work your way up to the complex ones!

Go for Priyanka, Deepa, Priya, Piya, Sunita, Babita, anyone! Filter age, location etc to get the girl who is furthest away from you! Why? Time for a hypothesis!

Hypothesis 1- The further away is your online crush, the hotter she is! This universal law has been proved time and again. The day you go to Kashmir, all the girls in Chennai will become extra-hot!

Now paste the aforementioned message in her mailbox (and never her wall or scrapbook because hey! public humiliation! I think you’ve had enough of that already!) And be ready for any of the following scenarios which I have arranged in decreasing order of probability!

Scenario 1– She doesn’t respond!
Chances are- she has a boyfriend. Let her go! Or worse still, she hasn’t figured out how to respond to inbox messages yet! Let her go! The chances of you two walking towards the sunset in your screensaver are bleak!

Scenaro 2- She responds with a disrespectful message!
Don’t lose hope. Any message is a good message! These are post-apocalyptic times, we need replies, nothing more!
Here is your way to go-

You:- Hey! Just saw your profile! Wanna make fraansip? LOL! J/k I am not one of those losers! So, umm wanna be friends?
Random Chick– Get away!
You:- oooo… I like wild cats!!
Random Chick- Which part of “GET AWAY” don’t you get?
You:– Umm… the “away” part. Because I get the “get” part. You get me?
Random Chick- F*** off!
You- Hey! My friend was using this account on my behalf! I am so sorry! He is such a jerk!
Random Chick– Oh yea… just go away!

— 1 week later—

You– Hey! Remember me?
Random Chick– F*** off!
You- Ok bye!

–Keep repeating this every week until she gives up and comes running to you, she loves you, she just doesn’t know it! —

Scenario 3- She turns out to be friendly

Time for a hypothesis-
Hypothesis 2– Girls who are friendly in the beginning, either never turn out to be good enough or cage you in the friend-zone forever!

You:- Hey! Just saw your profile! Wanna make fraansip? LOL! J/k I am not one of those losers! So, umm wanna be friends?
She– Sends friend request
You– Accept *do a little dance*
She– So how did you find me?
You– Oh I was just…
She– Ok, leave that, there is this guy in my college, I like him a lot! A lot means a lott!! But I don’t know….. Hey can you…blah blah  Will you please…blah blah. …you are my best friend na?!

*Sound of you screaming, falling in an abyss*

Scenario 4– She is a bit too chatty!

Hypothesis 3– Kerala and West Bengal states are the two most leading producers of chatty online girls. While chatty real-life girls are mostly found in Gujarat and Punjab! 

You– Hey! Just saw your profile! Wanna make fraansip? LOL! J/k I am not one of those losers! So, umm wanna be friends?
Girl– Umm.. I don’t know! I barely know you! Tell me more about yourself!

–36 sleepless hours later–

Girl– So, tell me more about yourself
You– Gah! Ackkk! Mussst sleep!

So as you learnt, it’s a tough world out there! But the girl of your cyber dreams is out there. Just go out there and explore!

Good luck!!


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