How to be the nice guy.

Ok, let me first tell you what this article is not. It’s not a way to be the nice guy. You are either the nice guy or you are not. It’s just something that lies in you. So, if you came to read this article just because of the title, I am sorry, but you’ve been tricked. Now that you *have* been tricked, how about you go on reading because you know, maybe, just maybe, it’ll be the article that changes your life or helps you get back on your feet or helps you kill some time, whatever!

What it really is about- is how to assume the higher ground in situations of conflict. The conflict can be of any kind and it never hurts to leave with your head held high and your opponents gathering in the parade ground to salute you as you dust off that dirt from your shoulder in slow motion. I mean- the hero’s exit. There’s nothing wrong with losing. We all lose in life- in love, in career, in bets etc. and c’mon, we are sore losers pretending to be okay at one point of time or the other. No, it’ll never be okay to lose and yes, you will lose. Here are a few tricks to all you aspiring losers (Wait, that didn’t come out right.)-

1. Dedicate your loss to someone.
There are a lot of people out there who don’t want you achieve something, a few of them call themselves your well-wishers. Some are even your family members. Whenever you lose, just let these people win instead of the person who actually won. Here is an example- You love a girl, she cheats on you. Your parents are against love-marriage and really don’t want you getting in love-shove. Well, tell your parents that you dumped the girl because you respect them too much. See? You got to be the good boy.

2. Apologize
Once you do something terrible, there are chances that you’ll be labelled the bad guy. You abuse a colleague, you eat someone’s lunch, you bully a newbie, you dump a nice girl and bam! you’re the bad guy. Do something which is unusual for the bad guy to do. Accept that you’re the bad guy and be sorry for all the things that you’ve done. This is the right thing to do too.

There are also situations when you’re not the bad guy but still get jacked. The girl dumps you for someone richer, more handsome and charismatic. She is going to rot in hell but there is way to make her feel miserable. Just apologize like the whole thing was your fault as if she was the perfect girl and you messed it up with your antics. Lead her to believe that you deserved what she did to you. You might think how is that going to help? She’s going to feel good about dumping you. No, actually if someone is mean to you, slight guilt surrounds them when they do it. By assuming responsibility for the whole thing, you make the guilt not smaller but bigger. It’s magic.

3. Fake pathos.
There are times when those who cause harm to you just want you to suffer. They have no ulterior motives than just inflicting pain. Give them what they want. Howl, wail in pain when actually it doesn’t really matter. Take 2 minutes and then be okay. Nothing puts remorse in the villain’s mind more swiftly than the idea that the victim is hurt but won’t show it.

4. Over-react
Nice guys’ worst quality is that they are pansies. So, if you’re not naturally nice (like me :-P), you have to feign this quality too. Fake sobbing on phone, trying to fight a headache or syncope, biting lips, anything that shows that you’re suppressing the turmoil that is going on inside is fine. After this girly outburst, try to-

5. Under-react
Act as if nothing had happened. This is different from point 3 because I am talking long term here. Point 3 procedure should complete in three minutes and it is used to show the villain that you’re a real man. But this under-reaction thing is as gay as it gets. You have to act weird and when someone asks what happened, say “nothing”. If did properly, this method can get you a lot of sympathy.

6. Advertize your niceness
When you’re doing the dishes for your wife, act as if you’re on a cookery show and explain to your audience whatever you’re doing. Every step. Nice things have one problem, they go unnoticed. You put your girlfriend’s ice-cream in freezer when she took a loo-break so that it doesn’t melt. Mention it when she comes back. These small brownie points you need.

Ok, it’s 2 in the night and I don’t think I have any more wisdom pearls left. I’ll keep you guys posted if I come up with any.

Take care and be good!

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