From today onward, I would be spilling my dreams, thoughts and emotions on this webpage. Why didn’t I do it on my blogger page one might ask. Well, the answer is that that page wasn’t private enough. Also, a journal needs to be decorated. We are all unorganized, disorderly beings but our thoughts, our emotions are neatly categorized in the compartments of our brain. WordPress kind of emulates that decoration and organization.
Today I saw a female patient (I am a dentist for the uninitiated) who at 20 years of age had fallen prey to so many cavities that I couldn’t but pity her. She also had a somewhat smaller lower jaw which was making the water from my scaler tip spill over to her neck region. I cleaned her teeth but there was a sort of hopelessness about her dentition. She had already taken orthodontic treatment and told me that she brushed twice daily and even rinsed properly after meals. Yet, there were resilient stains on her teeth, and there were about 5 cavities developing in her mouth. Oh yea, one tooth was grossly cavitated and pained on touching. This hopelessness led me to believe that sometimes, no matter how hard we try, things will go wrong.
Things have been wrong in my life for very long but now things are falling in place. I got my first salary, there is this new part-time job that I have with a company where I am just supposed to write funny things. The dream of being an author has somehow gone blurry and also the dream of doing something awe-inspiring is stifled under the weight of the current assignments that I have picked up.
My body refuses to function without a few doses of entertainment. It’s like I have to watch a few funny videos on YouTube before going from one assignment to another and that period of indulgence takes a lot of time from my already jam-packed schedule. Even writing this blog is a part of my schedule. Keeping a journal is something very important. It etches the day into eternal memory and the events of the day turn to be a part of history over time.
Days are turning into weeks and weeks are turning into months. I am not an author yet and neither am I growing academically. I am just hiding behind the excuse of UPSC preparations (fiercely competitive exams in India) and a dull routine life has begun to take shape like a monster within the thinly veiled garb of such excuses.
Pursuit of excellence is a funny thing. It works as a great motivation for some while for people like me, it works as an excuse to hide from the world which wants to know what am I doing with my life. What am I doing with my life? I am pursuing excellence, please don’t disturb. That’s how I keep the nagging away.
But, I am sure, one day I will wake up and be 30 and still just a BDS with no book to his name. I dread that day. The thought of that doesn’t send me to panic mode. And that fact is really scary to me.