I have chronicled my love life thus far on a separate blog- http://imeether.blogspot.com but because that was a sunny positive blog and since things have deteriorated way further from there, I haven’t been able to update that journal.
I have been single after being dumped by my ex-girlfriend for two years now and I think I have had some tough realizations come to me in this time period. The first one of which is that I have never had true love, nothing even close to it has ever happened to me. I have always been head over heals for girls and then ended up screwing the whole thing up. I am not even sure if any of my exes ever really liked me. It is not to evoke sympathy. I am just saying maybe I am not relationship material. I do NOT attract girls easily and when I do manage to grab their attention, I tend to overdo things.
I have this vulnerable, boyish air about me which perhaps is a turn off for most women as they’re looking for guys who have things sorted out, y’know, guys who are MEN!
The current scene is that I am tired of trying and failing and every day, I believe a little less. Also, every time I give my 100% to woo a girl and she turns me down, it makes the whole process messy and complex. It’s not about feeling insulted. I can take rejections very well but it lowers my value for my future partner. Getting rejected in so many places reduces my value in her eyes. I am afraid when I finally find someone, she’ll have to live with this guy who was not accepted anywhere else. So, for her sake, I feel like I should try less. But, I do end up trying hard every time. Every. Single. Time.
A couple of weeks back, I met a girl and confessed to her that I liked her. She let me down gently but it still counts as one rejection. Now I am like that kid who is in a candy store with his strict parents who have told him that if he asks for candy, he won’t get any. I want to beg for candy and if I could, I would. But begging would make me look miserable and won’t get me any candy. Also, keeping quiet isn’t helping either.
I miss the old days where my self-esteem was intact and I could just go in front of girls and get rejected on my face. As you grow older, trying gets harder. Meanwhile my friends are all busy finding love or excelling in their careers so that’s not helping either.
Also, I met someone online. Yep, it’s as lame as it sounds. But she might be the one. She is pretty, she is smart and she has a lot of talents. Only thing, she is quite elder to me. Quite. I told this to my female best friend who incidentally happens to be one of the people who have rejected me. She told me that I should drop the idea. It seemed absurd to her. Well, the difference is too much. It’s 10 years. There! I said it. I hope she doesn’t read this. I am not going to share this blogpost on my social media pages and bury it in the lonesome allies of WordPress just to make sure it doesn’t reach her. But the thing is, my love life is in shambles and nothing’s helping.