Of late, I have been feeling a little bit in love. Oh, who am I kidding, I am once again away from the shores, diving in the deep trenches of this endless ocean! The feeling is liberating but it ties to down to an extent too. I can no longer feel like a boat without an anchor. The girl who I love knows how I feel but she, to quote her own words, is “not sure how she feels about me.” My initial knee-jerk response to that was that if she isn’t sure, she is not in love and I should probably run as fast as I can. But, it was only after seeing her once again in a crowded marketplace, when I realized that although it would be wise to not love at all, wiser even to love someone who loves you back but, if there is one thing that love lacks, it is reason and wisdom.
I know, it sounds very sappy and romantic. It is the cheesiest thing to say ‘I love you’ to someone these days. Mostly because you hear it being said to freely and sometimes insincerely. But, there is literally no way I can restrain myself from loving her. I am enjoying this state of helplessness and it gets cheesier from here but I am not gonna apologize for feeling a certain way.
When I hear her voice, I want it to be the only thing I hear; when I see her smile, it brightens up my day. When she says she likes me, I hear nothing else. This feeling, even when unrequited, un-reciprocated is blissful. I want to hang on to this feeling, even if it means getting hurt.
Although, you don’t need reasons to love someone, let me try to explain who she is and why I love her. She is that girl who would sit by your side and you’d feel richer by a million dollars. She is dusky, the crisp baked colour of golden sunshine. She smiles with all her teeth and her eyes get all squinty when she does that. She hides just the right amount of shyness at the ends of her smiles. Her smiles get crooked at the corners due to the extra-playfulness of her lips. She talks with her hands- gesturing vividly as her nose gently twitches with a mischief. Her hair come a little ahead to cover her forehead on the sides as if trying to protect her from all things bad. I haven’t even come yet to her best part- the eyes! She has the eyes of someone who roams the ancient deserts. They have such power and they are such happy eyes at the same time. I look at them and think to myself- wow! Those are the eyes I never wanna see crying. I have been in love before but not this way. It has always been someone who I either adore or admire. She is someone I adore AND admire. And of course, I love her.
I know all this gooey romantic jazz is kind of a put-off. Girls fall for men. Men who can fix things, men who can carry them along the rivers. I am not her saviour. I am her friend and I want her to love me. I don’t know how to seize the day, how to win her or floor her. Perhaps, she will never find her man in me but, I don’t want that either. I want her to feel what I feel for her. I think that is good enough to make it work. For once, I think I have fallen for a damsel who doesn’t need saving.
Remember how I was in love a few weeks ago? Well! Just like all my old love stories, this too didn’t have a happy ending. I guess there is a ripening time between wanting something and asking for it. I always rush that time and end up with an egg on my face. It is maybe my fault or maybe not. In my heart of hearts, I believe that I did nothing wrong. I told her how I felt and she didn’t feel the same way. So, I dropped it.
There is a curse associated with every no. Once someone says no and you still pursue them, you are literally asking them to ignore their first instinct which is dangerous. I am a big believer in instincts, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. If no one opens the door at the first knock, the second knock would need force. And forced entry into anyone’s home is never welcome.
One question that arises is ‘Do I still love her?’ I did ask myself that. Of course love doesn’t die a sudden death. There are stages. I was quite liberal in my usage of the word. So, let me first define ‘love’ as I felt for her. Love for me was not the ultimate union of two souls but the proposition of the same. ‘I love you’ for me meant a letting down of the guard and being vulnerable. It is like when a child lets someone else touch his favourite toy. Love was that degree of trust which I was willing to bestow onto her. It was totally one-sided and I knew what I was doing. I do not know any other way to fall than flat on my face. So, I tried it. I did fall and I enjoyed it. It would have been much more fun, had she also fallen with me but it was not the case. Now, where do I go from here? Of course, the guard cannot be down forever. It will heal like an open wound. The knowledge that she doesn’t love me will work like an ointment and it will seal itself clean, like nothing ever happened.
Admiration will remain and so will compassion but, love? It will fade. I am thankful to her for saying no. Whether or not something was there is debatable but, letting someone go is the kindest thing you can do to them.
Can I be friends with her? Won’t my feelings come in the way? Well, love as a feeling is known to be pretty unpredictable. Of course there will be weakness. It is like ordering fries when you could have just ordered a hamburger. But then, I realize that friendship should not be looked at like it is ‘settling for less’. Friendship in itself a pretty huge contract. Love comes with its own terms and conditions but so does friendship. She does want to be my friend. ‘Can be friends with her or not?’ is a question I did consider and the answer was yes. Because she was truthful to me, I know it without a doubt that there is nothing possible between us. She will never lie to me. All I need to remember is that she does not look at me in a romantic way. In life, if you know where you stand, how can you make a wrong move?
I do wish the best for her and I have coaxed her into wishing the same for me too. Now, until I find someone who makes me let my guard down again, I shall keep looking. The best part about this game is that you have unlimited tries and need to win just once!
Onward and upward!