Remember how I was in love a few weeks ago? Well! Just like all my old love stories, this too didn’t have a happy ending. I guess there is a ripening time between wanting something and asking for it. I always rush that time and end up with an egg on my face. It is maybe my fault or maybe not. In my heart of hearts, I believe that I did nothing wrong. I told her how I felt and she didn’t feel the same way. So, I dropped it.
There is a curse associated with every no. Once someone says no and you still pursue them, you are literally asking them to ignore their first instinct which is dangerous. I am a big believer in instincts, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. If no one opens the door at the first knock, the second knock would need force. And forced entry into anyone’s home is never welcome.
One question that arises is ‘Do I still love her?’ I did ask myself that. Of course love doesn’t die a sudden death. There are stages. I was quite liberal in my usage of the word. So, let me first define ‘love’ as I felt for her. Love for me was not the ultimate union of two souls but the proposition of the same. ‘I love you’ for me meant a letting down of the guard and being vulnerable. It is like when a child lets someone else touch his favourite toy. Love was that degree of trust which I was willing to bestow onto her. It was totally one-sided and I knew what I was doing. I do not know any other way to fall than flat on my face. So, I tried it. I did fall and I enjoyed it. It would have been much more fun, had she also fallen with me but it was not the case. Now, where do I go from here? Of course, the guard cannot be down forever. It will heal like an open wound. The knowledge that she doesn’t love me will work like an ointment and it will seal itself clean, like nothing ever happened.
Admiration will remain and so will compassion but, love? It will fade. I am thankful to her for saying no. Whether or not something was there is debatable but, letting someone go is the kindest thing you can do to them.
Can I be friends with her? Won’t my feelings come in the way? Well, love as a feeling is known to be pretty unpredictable. Of course there will be weakness. It is like ordering fries when you could have just ordered a hamburger. But then, I realize that friendship should not be looked at like it is ‘settling for less’. Friendship in itself a pretty huge contract. Love comes with its own terms and conditions but so does friendship. She does want to be my friend. ‘Can be friends with her or not?’ is a question I did consider and the answer was yes. Because she was truthful to me, I know it without a doubt that there is nothing possible between us. She will never lie to me. All I need to remember is that she does not look at me in a romantic way. In life, if you know where you stand, how can you make a wrong move?
I do wish the best for her and I have coaxed her into wishing the same for me too. Now, until I find someone who makes me let my guard down again, I shall keep looking. The best part about this game is that you have unlimited tries and need to win just once!
Onward and upward!