Review of the Special Device: Quantum Magnetic Resonance Analyzer

If you have been to a naturopathy clinic(?), you must have come across this sleek device used by the doctor(?) to check everything from your blood calcium levels to your stress levels to your vitamin intake. All you need to do it hold the joystick which is connected from its other end to a laptop. There are some needles on the screen that flicker like a car’s dashboard as the machine takes in all your information simply from your magnetic field and then gives your results as output. 

The stick is also connected to a machine in a briefcase that beeps and boops like Brigadier Suryadev Singh’s control room from the movie Tiranga. Now if I tell you that there is no scientific basis to all this, you will call me faithless. Because apparently, due to its broad and vague results, the machine works for almost everyone. 

The charlatan, after analyzing your results on his toy machine, tells you that you need to modify your eating habits, exercise in the correct way – which is true for almost everyone. This is then followed by the sales pitch. Till now, everything has been harmless because the scan (or scam) is free and the diagnosis is given to you with utmost sincerity. Now comes the supplements, the green tea, the health drink and the moringa extract capsules. All these cost a bomb and are the real deal. With utmost sincerity, the charlatan now writes his diagnosis on the prescription pad. And recommends that you must have the medicines and the sauna treatment and the steam bath – because without the package that he is selling to you, you are going to remain a total piece of sh!t. 

The prudent thing to do here is to raise your eyebrows with equal concern as he gives you the reading from his Quantum Radioactive Therapeutic Magnetic Resonance Waveform Whatever, nod as he tells you about the twelve kinds of tulsi and then smile as he offers you discount if you buy the whole package. You have to be impressed because he has worked so hard putting the place together. Look at all the scented candles and the soothing yoni chakras and the kundalini revivers and be in awe. You are witnessing the peak of the human ability to lie one’s ass off. You are to be awed by the majesty of bullcrap. 

Once the sales pitch is over though, respectfully, collect your prescription, align your chakras and leave the hellhole. Your wallet deserves better.

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